Harry Potter and the Room of Retards
by irlkg
Summary: Harry Potter encounters a world of amazing fun. He does whatever he wants and deals with problems like raining blonds, annoying punk bands, and a groups of very bad students. This story is perfectly stupid, insane, and random for me. Is it for you?
1. A Light Shade of Pink

"Get up you freaky haired freakster!" Aunt Vernon said to Harry.

"I'm already up you old hag." Harry muttered under his breath.

"Get out of your room!"

'_Room," Harry thought, 'you call this a room. I call it a six by six cupboard. Well, it is newly refurbished. I got a new pillow, and this one is devoid of blood stains! So that's good, I really should be more grateful.'_

Harry stepped out of his room and sat for breakfast. Today was Sunday, and he didn't make breakfast on Sunday because Aunt Vernon likes to cook her special ham and egg sauce battered together with eggshells for a hard crunchy core, and geese feathers for a soft outer layer. She called it her Ham and egg sauce with eggshells and geese feather pancakes.

While Dudley, Harry, and Uncle Petunia were waiting for the food, the wind outside howled.

"Dudley! Why did you do that? Not at the kitchen table. Ugh, we need some air." Uncle Petunia said, he then opened a window.

Harry flew out of his seat with the intense wind. Dudley, Petunia, and Vernon seemed unaffected by it. Harry was struggling to stand.

"Oi! Close the window chaps!" Harry screamed.

"Never, we all could use a slight breeze." Uncle Petunia said.

As he said it their framed, expensive, and highly decorated china fell. It shattered into many pieces. All the china fell, as well as the television and the refrigerator. It fell near Dudley and he grabbed a half eaten chocolate cake out of it and closed it.

"I'M GOING AWAY. I'M GOING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK!"

"Alright, tootles." Dudley said.

Harry packed his shirt, sock, underwear, his pair pants, an eye doctor's appointment card, and his lucky get out of jail free card. He had three of those, just in case.

As he left out the front the door the wind stopped, he danced happily in the glowing sunlight, playing with the bushes. He grabbed a match and set the Dursley's plants and flowers on fire, accidentally.

A tornado swooped by, and while he heard screaming and shouting and pain of all kind, in affected him in now way. As the tornado sucked him in the air he pretended he could fly. He saw that a space ninja was caught up in circles and he freed him. The space ninja thanked him by giving him a pamphlet. As he opened the pamphlet the tornado subsided and he was at the eye doctors. He put the pamphlet in his suitcase and waited to open it later.

He entered the doctor's office with open smiles.

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Doctor Paul. This is Uncle Petunia's checkbook; he said that you could write as much money as you want for a donation to sick and needy children."

"Thank you Harry, now if you please look at this card, and tell me if it turns a dark shade of blue for you."

Harry stared at the card and it magically turned pink.

"What does a light shade of pink mean?" Harry asked.

"It means something grand." The doctor handed Harry a pamphlet.

"Hey, a ninja man gave one to me." Harry took his out.

"Read it." Doctor Paul said.

Harry opened it and began to read.

_'Dear Mr. Potter, you have seen the light shade of pink, it means you possess magical abilities. From now on you will be attending Hogwarts. It is a magical institution. We look forward to see you, arrive September 1__st__ at King Cross station, your doctor has all your materials and your train ticket, he also has your money witch he will give you, but what he can't give, is good looks. Ah, that's a knee slapper. Don't tell him, and also don't tell I hide aces in my sleeve when we play cards, bahaha! Tootles!'_

"Well, uh, if that's all. I'll be taking my stuff then."

"Fine, bye Harry."

Harry took his stuff without another word. He braced himself and prepared for his ride.

"I'm ready."

The tornado came and swept him up.

"HERE I COME HOGWARTS! I WIL RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!"

Unfortunately no could hear him. The tornado dropped him off at a place called Diagon Alley. He walked past wizards and witches, goblins and toads, measles and mumps, and all kinds of creatures. Then a redhead came up to, wand pointed straight at his face.

"Hey!"

"Hey." Harry replied, and they shook hands. Then it started raining blond haired kids. One by one they fell; then, one fell on top of the redhead kid.

"Hi I'm Draco."

"HEY! DRACO-MCNUGGET PANTS! I'M STRAIGHT, GET OFF MY BLOODY LEGS. GO LAY ON ONE OF THOSE OTHER BLOODY BLONDS, MAYBE ONE OF THEM IS GAY!"

Draco then dashed off when Ron yelled, thinking he was a wildebeest.

Harry and the redhead kid were then thrown into the mall jail for abuse of blonds. Harry sat in the corner thinking how great this was, he was thinking about Egg shelled, feathery pancakes, how the redhead kid got huge biceps because Harry wanted to squeeze them, he thought about his jail mates and what games they could play.

"WAIT! I HAVE A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The man took the get out of jail free card.

"Get out of jail free, copyright Monopoly incorporated, rights reserved, 1964…..sounds legit, get out here."

"Wait, save me to. By the way, I'm Ron."

"Tough nubs Ron."

Ron started to cry and Harry unfortunately saved him

"Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They then skipped down the yellow brick road towards the sunset, where it was sure dang pretty.


	2. The Train

The yellow brick road ended towards a train. It was large and a light shade of pink, apparently it was a magical color. He thought to die his hair pink, but alas, all the magical dye your hair pink because you think it's a magical color stores were closed. Harry tried to get his ticket but he must have lost it, or perhaps Doctor Paul didn't give him one, he chose that reason, so he didn't to blame himself.

"No ticket no entrance. You're going to need to go to jail."

"NO. I WILL NOT USE MY LAST GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD!"

"Whoa, you have one? I'll give you free entrance if you give me it."

"And…."

"And two get out of detention free cards."

"Make it three and you've got a deal."

"Agreed."

Harry gave up his get out of jail free card and put in his trunk his two get out of detention free cards. When he went to go sit there was a big crowd of people smoking cigarettes. They also were spraying themselves with stuff and had needles! They injected themselves and were making weird faces. He saw a guy and a girl eating each other's face, he rooted for the girl, because the guy had a needle stuck in his buttocks.

"Whoa, get away from there." A redhead kid said.

"Hey, are you related to Ron."

"Yeah, I'm Fred, and this is my twin, George, and those people over there, are people you don't want to mess with."

"Why? Who are they? And what are they doing?"

George answered his questions one by one.

"You don't want to mess with them because one, they are fifth to seventh years. They are hard core and all they do is smoke and do drugs. They smoke pot, inject themselves with heroine, and chew puppies."

"WHAT! PUPPIES?!?!? HOW COULD THEY?" Ron shouted.

"Yeah, what's their deal?" Harry asked.

"They think it's cool." Fred answered. "They also use crack."

"BUT CRACK IS WHACK!" Harry yelled.

"Yes, yes it is, but so are they. A day in the life of them: Wake up, smoke a cigarette, go to the kitchen, open the fridge, and inject some heroine in you that you hid from your mom under the chocolate ice cream because she's trying to diet. You eat puppies for lunch, devouring their blood. You swallow crack whole, without smoking it, then you sleep forever and five to fifteen years later, you die.

"Wow, who would choose such a life? Wait, what about breakfast?"

George started to cry. Fred was red in the face. He finally got the courage to look at Harry and Ron.

"That's the worst part. THEY DON'T EAT BREAKFAST!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry and Ron yelled.

"But be quiet; don't tell anyone we told you about them." George said, and the twins left them.

Harry and Ron talked about school until an old lady came around with candy.

"Any candy kids?" She said. Then she fell over and died, perhaps from age, or perhaps from that hot girls intense heat that was standing next to her. She had candy in well, places, places Harry wanted to reach for.

"Any candy?" She said.

Harry and Ron stared at each other, and said yes. She hung out with them for the entire train ride, eating candy and having Harry guess where she hid the Twix bar. Harry loved that game the most. Finally she had to leave but she left her bill. It was one hundred thousand galleons. Harry gave her his 'get out paying an expensive bill for free' card and she left. As the train slowly stopped they realized a girl was driving it. She came towards them.

"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger." She said.

"How'd you steer that?" Ron said.

"Just review this chapter while leaving your thoughts on the story so far and you'll find out."

"Quick" Ron said, pointing to you. "REVIEW THE STORY!"

"REVIEW IT OR WE WILL NEVER FIND OUT HOW TO DRIVE A TRAIN!"

They stared at you eagerly, waiting for you to review this chapter, and they will not stop staring at you until you do review this story, so I recommend you do.

It then started to rain blond people.


	3. The Five Star Resort

"You simple bewitch it by adding a half teaspoon of frog juice, some apple sauce, a few samples of measles, and to top it off, a hot driver."

"I agree with that." Ron said, looking at Hermione.

"I meant hot as in body temperature." Hermione said, awkwardly looking away from him.

"I still agree." Ron said. He walked down off the stairs while Harry gave Hermione the 'isn't he such a weird retard, I mean look at his hair to start off with, someone needs a try, and someone should pop those fake biceps' look.

They walked past one of the drug users playing with food. He then looked at Harry.

"Look, this my friend, Ricky the Ravioli, he's the outgoing, funny one, like Ronald McDonald! Tonya the Tomato is the little, well, let's just say, like Paris Hilton. Ollie the Olive is the hip, oval shaped Randy Jackson. Gina the Grape is your everyday Queen Latifah, fat and juicy. Bradley the Breadstick is your pocket gay Clay Aiken. Together, they are the Olive Garden pimpets! Watch out, they taste delicious."

The high, drunken, drug abuser started shaking and sucked his thumb. The trio just walked away laughing, planning on a visit to the Olive Garden to meet Mr. Ricky Ravioli, for he truly sounded delicious.

As they approached the castle a very large man yelled.

"OI MAGGETS! SHORT MAGGOTS OVER HERE!"

"Hey, I'm not a maggot." Draco said.

"To me you are." Hagrid said, he then sat on him. He gave a real bone cruncher of a body slam and Draco lost many teeth.

"Ugh! The weight….!"

"What about my wait boy?"

"Uh, NOTHING, I uh, said you were sexy."

"Was this the gay one you talked about Harry?" Hagrid asked.

"Yeah, that's him, one of the raining blonds." Harry answered

"UGH! I HATE THOSE!"

Hagrid then got off Draco's face. He was red everywhere, except his hair, it remained blond.

"Hagrid, where can I get pink hair for free, I don't have any die my hair for free cards?"

"I got one here, just make sure the blond don't bother me no more."

"Alright then." Harry took the card.

"In the southern part of Hogwarts, it is the super center part. It's got an arcade, food court, don't get the pizza there, it's horrible, get the hummus, it's delicious, put in on everything, including your orange chicken, the Arabic and Chinese food there rocks! Better than the punk band that performs there, because they suck."

"Wow, a food court, a suckish punk band, what doesn't this place have?"  
"A five star rating. We have two stars yet we are the most popular. Apparently no one uses hotels dot com and Dumbledore hung a giant five star banner there, see it?"

'_How can you not see it? It was like two hundred feet tall. All it did was have five stars and glow so intense it could probably been seen from Dudley's computer screen after he barfed on it from losing all his lives on Escape from Woogoo Mansion. Woogoo…Woogoo, woog mc Woogoo. Hmmm, fun word.'_

Harry started to say Woogoo out loud and soon everyone started saying it. An old lady in a pointed hat also said it.

"It is time for you to be sorted into your house. Each one has your own place that fits your personality. Here is Ryan Seacrest to tell you more about it."

"Why hello new Hogwarteers! I hope you are feeling good. Here are the houses: Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. The meanings of the houses are-"

"Whoa, hold up, that's the sorting hat's job."

Everyone entered the great hall and saw what they couldn't believe, a singing hat.

'_Oh you may think that I'm sexy_

_Please enjoy what you see, _

_I'll eat myself if you can find_

_A sexier hat than me._

_Bowler hats are black,_

_Top hats are fat and tall,_

_For I am the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I screwed them all!_

_There's nothing hidden in your pants_

_The Sorting Hat Can't See,_

_So try me on and I'll tell you_

_Where you ought to be._

_You might-'_

"SHUT UP!" Draco screamed and the hat gave him the finger somehow and bounced away.

"Ugh, I'll sort you manually then." Dumbledore said.

"Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Gryffindor,-" Dumbledore said, and said, and said for another twenty more minutes until Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sorted in Hufflepuff.

"Whoa, whoa, hey, hey whoa. We all want Gryffindor or we are out."

"Ok, do you think I care, I'm 127 years old, students always switch houses, I mean, I'll be lucky to remember half of my staff. I mean, I almost forgot that Professor McDonald is your Transfiguration teacher."

"It's McGonagall!"

"Yeah, yeah, McGonagall, McDonald, Dave, Sammy, what's the diff?" Dumbledore said, and walked away.

Harry's journey had begun, now all he had to do was make himself known along with his trustee sidekicks, he'd be invincible.


	4. Practice

Ron and Hermione pulled their wands out and Harry realized he forgot to buy one. He began his quest for a wand. He went to ask Fred and George what do to and they took him outside where it was raining blond people.

"No this wand is too fat, this one is thin, ahhh, this one is just right." Fred said, he handed Harry the wand and his quest for a wand had ended and so did the shortest chapter in the world, wand wand wand wand…..

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Wand

Whoa, if you believed the chapter is over you're more off your rocker than Dumbledore was when he was on the late night show with Conan O' Brian wearing his birthday suit…

…which luckily for O' Brian and all the audience members, consisted of many layers of wizarding clothes from all over the world.

The trio headed off for the Gryffindor common room to hang with other Gryffindors in the common room for Gryffindors witch was decorated red and gold which were Gryffindor colors and Gryffindor was named after the founder of Gryffindor, Godric Gryffindor.

Harry and the others took a look at their schedule, and noticed it manly consisted of snot and saliva. Harry wiped it off with someone's jacket and returned it nicely to where it was.

"Alright, Potions, Potions, Potions, Potions, Potions, Potions, POTIONS, POTIONS, AND POTIONS!" AHHHHHHHHHH." Ron said.

"You little duffer, you're reading across the weeks." Harry said.

"Ohhhhh." Ron then continually smacked himself until he had achieved his goal, a big red spot across his already red forehead.

"We've got double Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, lunch, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and here it says free time. What do we do there?"

"Catch up on homework?"

"NO! EPIC FAIL! YOU LOSE!" Ron screamed.

Hermione then smacked Ron and he was red again.

"Well let's head to Potions."

When they reached Potions they saw that their teacher had a hooked nose. He spoke with a funny accent as well.

"Hey ya'll, ma name is Severus Snape dog, I just expect ya'll to call me dog, or homie g, ya feeling it fa rizzle? The today we gonna be talking about practicing your potions. Not the real thing, it's practice. Not the big, not the real potion making deal, it's practice. Practice man, we talking' about practice."

**Snape Practice Counter: 5**

"Ok man the big deal is important, but it is practice, practice man! I mean practice is important but cmon, I've missed a few, but we talking about practice. I mean someone could say I missed a practice but that would only be like one practice."

**Snape Practice Counter: 11**

"Out of all the practices this year I mean, just one practice missed and everyone goes, 'oh look he missed a practice,' but it's practice man, practice. We're not talking about the real thing, but practice. I mean look at us, we talking about practice, practice man. I mean, cmon, it's practice, not the real thing, but practice."

**Snape Practice Counter: 21**

"I mean we talking about practice. When I come in here you see me give all I got with these potions right? I give a hundred and ten percent for the real deal right?"

"Yeah!" The class responded.

"I mean I bring everything I got, but we talking about practice man. Not about the game, not about the game, but practice. We talking about prac-"

"But you should always give all you got, even if it is not for the big times." Draco said.

"But it's practice, yo, practice."

**Snape Practice Counter: 26 ½**

"We ain't talk about the real deal, but practice. Practice!"

"But don't you think with a lot of practice you could make us better?" Draco asked. (Doesn't count towards the Snape counter)

"How the hell do I make you guys better by practicing?"

Then the bell rang. A full two hours was devoted to practicing.

"Dude, Snape is awesome, I mean, he said practice twenty-nine and a half times! It's incredible."

**Overall Snape Practice Counter: 29 ½ **

After the rest of their boring classes and lunch, Harry made Snape with Potions his absolute favorite. He thought he could learn a lot from him between the difference of the real thing and practice. It was now time for him to practice, practice, and practice, although practice aint important to all, it seemed important to him to practice, I mean, even if it's not the real thing, we gotta practice man, practice, and he was going to go practice in the mall section of the school, he was going to go to practice, not the big deal, not the big real deal, but practice, practice.

**Overall EVERYBODY Practice Counter: 53 ½ **

**A/N: Hey, if anybody notices that I miscounted the practices (54 ½) I mean I want to fix them because these chapters aren't practice, (55 ½) these chapters aint practice, (56 ½) they are the real deal, not practice! (57 ½)**


	5. Ron's Disease

_All credit for this chapter goes to Neil Cicierega. I couldn't help but turn his video into one of my chapters with some things added and some things taken away to still fit my story, so after you read this, look up Ron's Disease and watch it._

"Hey Ron, when is it a beautiful day here at Hogwart's School?"

"Everyday is a beautiful day here at Hogwart's with you here Harry, but…"

"BUT WHAT RON? WHAT COULD BE WRONG?"

"I've got a secret affliction Harry."

Harry backed away many feet from Ron, went to go wash his mouth, and eat dried up worms.

"DISGUSTING" Harry said.

"You don't even know what it is Harry, it's lice, Wizard's lice."

"GET OUT! ARE YOU FA-RIZZLING ME?"

Dumbledore came dashing towards Harry and Ron pushing many students out of his way, he even went as far as pushing on of the seventh year drug users, and he continued playing with his ravioli.

"Ron, you have lice? Harry, you must help your fat friend, another infestation is the last thing the school needs!"

"Ok, fine."

"Now since these are magical lice, you must venture to the edge of the Forbidden Forest and seek the help of Hagrid, the terrible half giant. He'll know what to do"

"Yayyyyyy!" Ron said, and began to dance.

"Don't do that, let's go." Harry commanded.

The two went on their way to Hagrid's hut very fast. They skipped down the yellow brick road and took a shortcut in which they got lost and decided it was best to stay on the yellow brick road, for the yellow brick road knew all.

"Yo homie g's, what's the rush?" Snape said, noticing their hurried speed.

"It's the real deal Professor. It ain't practice **(1).**

"Whoa, it aint practice **(2)**? It's the real deal, not practice **(3)** man. IS IT PRACTICE **(4)** OR IS IT NOT PRACTICE **(5)**?"

"No, it's the real deal." Ron said.

"Well if it aint practice **(6)**, then hurry up, cause it aint practice** (7)**, it's the real deal, not practice **(8)**."

Harry and Ron continued to hurry to Hagrid's hut, once they reached, it smelled of old mayonnaise and new armpit hair. Ron wanted to jump on a bed until Harry noticed it was moving.

"Hello Mr. Hagrid, I need-" Ron said.

"Hello." He said in a grunted, barley understandable voice as he turned around and knocked Ron down before he could finish his sentence.

"We've come for your advice Hagrid." Harry said.

"Oh, ugh, what?"

"I've got wizard lice Hagrid, and I need your help." Ron said, still on the ground.

"Oh well then, little old Hagrid needs a chicken little nap."

Hagrid went back to bed ignoring Ron's plea for help. Ron finally regained his balance and stood back up with a red spot on his head, it didn't seem to affect his lice though, which were still obviously there.

"You just had a nap, get up you fat meatsack. I've also got a 'get rid of head lace from a lazy man for free' card." Harry said, pushing Hagrid.

"Alright, alright. Where are they?" Hagrid said, taking the card.

"Right here." Harry said.

Harry took out a magnifying glass out of nowhere, and if he found, it was quite a miracle seeing the mess of the place, I mean let's start out with the underwear closet, there were socks in it! I mean seriously. Anyway, Harry put the magnifying glass at Ron's head and let Hagrid examine it.

"As you see, millions of tiny monsters have spawned on Ron's already filthy scalp."

"Well just listen boys."

Hagrid started to get in the groove as nice background music showed up and Hagrid kind of sang in his already impossible-to-understand-speaking.

_'If you're gonna take care of that Wizard lice,_

_Just listen to Hagrid's good advice._

_Rub meat in your hair, don't stop the stink,_

_Let it sit for an hour; wash it of in the sink._

_Then take some mayonnaise and rub into your roots,_

_Then wipe it all off on an old pair of boots._

_Spin in a circle; clap your hands twice,_

_Now you got rid of your, ugh…lice.'_

"Great song Hagrid, but I can't afford any mayonnaise."

"Well, what if we light his head on fire." Harry suggested.

"There are other ways to cure wizard lice, but you ain't gonna like it."

Together, Harry and Hagrid put Ron upside down and suspended him from Hagrid's ceiling, Harry complained Ron's weight would bring it down, but Hagrid just told Harry to watch and learn. Hagrid then went outside and grabbed the biggest log he could find. When he didn't find one, he ripped part of the trunk of a tree. It was about as tall as Ron and then he came back inside.

"Um, Hagrid, are you sure this is going to work?"

"Shut up."

Hagrid then smacked Ron really hard on the head with the log. He did it again and then stopped.

"There, you're cured."

"Why thank you Hagrid," Ron said in a very shaky voice, "I feel a hundred percent better, it's as if the lice never even existed."

Harry then thought to himself.

_'With the power of Hagrid's mighty muscles, I could solve all my problems.'_

"Hagrid, your skills are needed elsewhere, bring your log and your muscles."

"But I'm tired, go, ugh, do it yourself."

"I'll leave a small pile of fish outside your front door everyday for the rest of the month."

"WHAT! YOU GOT 'ERSELF A DEAL!"

Harry and Hagrid made their way up towards the castle, once inside they saw Hermione, she seemed to be waiting for them.

"Hello Harry, hello Hagrid."

"Hello female Ron.

"Ok, club it right now." Harry whispered to Hagrid.

Hagrid took a mighty swing and knocked out Hermione.

"Yes, you cured her lice. Good boy Hagrid." Harry said, tossing Harry a fish that got stuck in Hagrid's beard."

They then found Snape, standing there mumbling to himself.

"Yo ho ho hey ho, Potter, did you practice **(9)** today?"

"YES, HIT!"

Hagrid took a mighty swipe and Snape went down like a girl.

"Oh look, he still has some lice, hit him again!"

Hagrid hit him again and Snape fell down the stairs.

"Practicing **(10)** is important."

The hurried along, and saw Dumbledore.

"Hello Harry, hello Hagrid, did you vanquish your little friends vermin yet?"

"You beat I did! Get him Hagrid!"

Hagrid hit Dumbledore but it made contact with what seemed to be metal and Dumbledore didn't flinch.

"Ah, trying to take a whack at the old headmaster are you?" Dumbledore asked.

"OH MY GOSH, HE'S AN ANROID!" Harry yelled.

"Wha, who!" Hagrid replied.

"Yes, it is true, I am an android, a gay android. Dumbledore said.

There was then silence. All the way back at Hagrid's hut, Ron still hung there.

"Hello, anybody there. Ugh, if only I had my 'get out a stinky hut tied to the ceiling for free' card."


End file.
